As a service to its readers, LiberalOasis presents a round-up of actual headlines from around the country.
"Repealing the death tax is our number one priority when we have soldiers fighting over in Iraq," said House Leader Dennis Hastert. "They are the ones who are in most danger of having to pay it."
"Warrants are for wimps," said Dick Cheney. "Read my lips. We don't need no stinkin' warrants."
"And I thought, maybe we shouldn't kill them quite so much," said Dr. Gwendolyn Methusalah.
Dr. Methusalah is engineering a new form of execution she calls "Barely Lethal Injection."
Last week, the Supreme Court ruled that police could enter an apartment after orally announcing their presence, without waiting for the occupant to answer the door. Humorists were horrified. "They got rid of the knock!" said entertainer Wiley the Clown.
Funny people now maintain that the ruling destroys the comedic import of the knock-knock joke and renders it obsolete. "All of a sudden, it's, at best, knock-knock and you have to go right in to the punchline. No waiting for the response from the audience, no who's there. It's awful," said Stan Menchnik, a comedian from Brooklyn.
Menchnik demonstrated. "Knock knock. Sam and Janet Evening," he said without a pause. "Here's another: Knock knock. Orange you glad I didn't say banana."
"You see?" he said. "Not funny."
Menchnik said that comedians are attempting to create a new joke, the "barge right in" joke. "Here's how it goes: Police!"