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The Sandbox
Humor Column by Mark Spittle
Polling: It's Not Just for Morons Anymore
USA Today ran poll results in its 1/15 edition that showed 56% of those asked felt Democrats should nominate a moderate, versus 26% wanting a liberal and 14% wanting a conservative.
In effect, the poll was asking Democrats where they, themselves, sat on the issues.
The problem is that the poll, like most polls, is inane.
The pollsters didn't offer any definition of what such terms as "liberal," "conservative," or "moderate" mean, so they are really asking folks to label themselves using arbitrary, subjective tags.
Should anyone be surprised that the majority of people see themselves as "moderate" in an age when "liberal" is still the "L-word"?
(Although after a few seasons of that new lesbian show, that may change.)
Or where "conservative" rings more GOP-sounding, and being a Republican isn't a nice thing to be in the Democratic Party? (Unless you're Wes Clark, of course.)
Somewhere in the world there is a little, beady-eyed mad scientist who is gleefully rubbing his hands at the genetically-deformed creatures he has unleashed on the world.
Devoid of any soul or any mental connection to the real world, our evil geneticist calls them homunculi. We call them pollsters.
So, in that vein, I did some of my own polling using Zogbyism and Gallupaganda to reveal some remarkable things about the American people. Here are the results:
BUSH APPROVAL RATINGS
4,568 registered voters were asked the following questions, and then given ice cream:
"Do you feel that President Bush has done an acceptable job in office despite his obvious mental handicaps?"
Yes: 55%
No: 25%
Couldn't fill out the poll form: 15%
"If President Bush were revealed to have been convicted of a DUI, which (face it) we all know he was, would you be surprised?"
Surprised: 2%
Not surprised: 89%
Lay off drunks already!: 1%
"Do you agree with the overwhelmingly popular opinion that Bush is a saint, a man sent from God Himself, and is incapable of doing wrong?"
Yes, agree with popular opinion: 75%
No, but I'm open to listening in case he is sent from God: 13%
No, but I'm a godless atheist and you shouldn't listen to me anyway: 3%
Can't answer, too busy shooting abortion doctors: 1%
OPINIONS ON DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES
2,932 registered Democrats were asked the following questions and then rudely told to leave:
"If Joe Lieberman switched parties and ran as a Republican, would you be surprised or just say to yourself, Îaw, heck, I knew it all along'?"
Surprised: 5%
Not surprised, because I knew it all along: 54%
Who's Joe Lieberman again?: 25%
"Would you consider switching to the Republican Party if we gave you a thousand dollars right now and promised you free porn for life, or are you still a hardcore, baby-eating Democrat?"
Would switch faster than a gecko on a hotplate: 89%
Throw in chocolate chip cookies, and it's a deal: 1%
I'm hardcore Dem, and eat babies: 0.3%
I'm Australian and feed babies to crocodiles, so can't answer: 0.5%
"Given the fact that Dick Gephardt has been the leader of the House Democrats during a period of declining Party power, should we really give him the control of the White House, or instead let him have a talk show on public access cable where we can throw apples at him?
Elect Dick: 32%
Throw apples: 32%
Elect Dick, then throw apples: 32%
"Isn't that Howard Dean angry, angry, angry? And wouldn't it be better if he wasn't so gosh-darned angry? Doesn't that make you angry? Grr!!!"
Yes: 25%
No: 23%
What?: 15%
Huh?: 11%
Can you repeat the question?: 14%
Mark Spittle is one half of the political satire duo Spittle & Ink. He is a former Washington lobbyist and congressional assistant.
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