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The Sandbox
Humor Column by Mark Spittle
Tax The Rich...Celebrities
"Taxing the rich" is an old Liberal platform plank that generates far too much partisan conflict to get broad appeal.
Face it, conservatives are never going to get on board with this one, even if it would mean a permanent end to deficits and an increase in tax revenue.
But one thing that every American can agree on is that Hollywood celebrities deserve more pain.
Failing the implementation of any plan to drop them into deep pits filled with poisonous vipers (something that would be inhumane to the vipers), I propose we begin an aggressive program for the taxation of celebrities that aims to accomplish two main goals:
First, that the taxation be so severe that the nation's deficit is not only converted to a surplus within 18 months, but that by 2006 all government programs, including defense, Social Security and the Antique Library Card Restoration Program, are fully funded.
Second, that the taxation be so outrageously punitive that the current crop of celebrities are slowly reduced to whimpering, panhandling beggars on street corners.
Sure, local laws would have to be revised to allow the "formerly famous" to roam the streets like bums kicked off of freight trains, but this is a small price to pay for fully-funded fire, police and critical services.
Why, the taxation on Jay Leno alone could pay for universal health care.
And additional monies could be generated by selling tickets to watch Kelly Ripa sort through trash for a meal, or paying ten dollars to have a disheveled Sharon Stone clean your car's windshield with a grimy squeegee.
I'm sure many of you can come up with creative and lucrative "spectator events" for Rosie O'Donnell or Robin Williams, some which may involve turpentine and a Zippo.
If the country is again forced to face the harsh realities of military conflict, let our rich and famous do their patriotic part by paying for the defense budget.
Oprah could focus her fortune on making sure our Navy is well-armed, while Martha Stewart could make sure our boys in the Marines get a deserved pay increase.
If Steven Spielberg is really so enamored of war heroes, let him personally pay veterans' benefits for the next decade or two.
Some of you may see this a harsh, Draconian proposal aimed at fellow Americans whose only fault is their fame and wealth.
And you would be right.
In light of the behavior of celebrities these days, paying for our entire government and social prosperity on the backs of Tom Hanks, Madonna and Michael Jackson seems only fitting.
They are, after all, apparently above the law and immune to any form of justice, able to murder (OJ Simpson), expose themselves to children (Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake), and generally act like asses (Carrot Top) with impunity.
If the courts cannot reign in these miscreants, then let the IRS do it. It's how we eventually nailed Capone, after all.
I call this plan the Reallocation of Assholes' Wealth Initiative.
The disgust we feel when we see Ben Affleck and Matt Damon receive an Oscar for a movie they didn't actually write (Good Will Hunting), or the horror at watching a mannish Diana Ross grope Li'l Kim's boob on national television, can now be used as a vehicle to unite both Left and Right in a sound fiscal policy that will improve the lives of the non-famous.
Furthermore, taxation under this plan will be directly proportional to the amount of fame each celebrity has, with additional penalties assessed for particularly annoying public stunts.
Like dangling babies in front of angry crocodiles (Steve Irwin) or getting six face lifts and then crediting your new look to a line of cosmetics you just happen to sell (Naomi Judd and Victoria Principal.)
Republicans might have a hard time with this concept because they've thrown in their lot with Arnold Schwarzenegger who, because of the damage he's done to society by releasing Terminator 3, Last Action Hero and Kindergarten Cop, would have to be taxed into obscurity.
But neocons could rest easy knowing that Liberal icons like Barbra Streisand would be similarly drained, and I'm sure a majority of conservatives would surrender the Austrian Oak to poverty in exchange for a future free of Babs' grating warble. Okay, so we may have to toss in Susan Sarandon as an incentive, but it'd be worth it.
The United States needs leadership that can come up with fresh ideas that unite its citizens and solve its problems permanently.
Taxing celebrities, along with my other plans for enslaving the Dutch and legalizing home invasions of record industry executives, present a positive, structured path towards a prosperous economy and responsible society.
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