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The Sandbox
Humor Column by Mark Spittle
Inside The Bonesmen
With John Kerry the presumptive Democratic nominee, a Bush vs. Kerry showdown in November is a foregone conclusion.
Therefore, it behooves us to consider the ramifications of the first presidential election pitting two members of Yale's famed secret society, Skull and Bones.
Fortunately, my Yale contacts are still warm and I was able to do some calling and find out a bit more about the "Bonesmen."
Through these contacts (whom I shall call "Deep Throat" and "Gag Reflex") I was able to gain access to the inner workings of one of the most powerful, secretive cabals on the planet.
And once inside the offices of Howard Fineman, I was able to find out more about the Skull and Bones Society, too!
MARK SPITTLE: Tell me a little about your time in the Skull & Bones. When were you inducted?
DEEP THROAT: I was accepted in 1965, a few years before George W. Bush, and one year before John Kerry.
GAG REFLEX: I was in 1968, the same year as Bush.
SPITTLE: What was it like?
THROAT: Well, I had been in a number of secret societies previous to that, so it wasn't anything terribly new for me. I had been in the Rosicrucians, the Order of the Golden Dawn and the Salvation Army. In comparison, the Bonesmen were amateurs.
REFLEX: He's right. A lot has been made of the society, but it really wasn't much. A dark room, lots of recitations, some masturbation.
SPITTLE: How was that different from the Salvation Army?
THROAT: The Sallies masturbated with the lights on.
REFLEX: Skull and Bones was a lot like Peepland on 42nd Street in the 70's and 80's. But no one ever credits Peepland for conspiracies.
SPITTLE: So, there's no credence to the theory that the society is bent on world domination?
THROAT: (Laughs.) Oh, no, no, no.
REFLEX: (Laughing.) Tell him about the panties! The panties!
THROAT: (Laughing.) Oh, yeah! Really, it was about panties. That's about it.
Back then panty raids were a big deal. I mean in the 50's in Yale you never saw panties. It was like the Holy Grail to see a pair of girl's panties.
REFLEX: I'm pretty sure Bill Buckley still hasn't seen any!
THROAT: (Laughs) Oh, stop. That's just wrong.
Anyway, back in the 1800's when the society was formed, Christ, to see some bloomers would have blinded you! It was really started just as a means to organize the raids on women's undergarment storage.
REFLEX: Prescott Bush, one of the more famous early Skullies, scored over 150 sets of undies in one semester. He nabbed the Society's only sanitary napkin once, back when they had belts and hooks.
That guy is a God in Bonesman history. It's said he even got laid, which was unheard of in the Society until about 1961, when the brothel opened up down the street.
SPITTLE: But the society developed more sinister ambitions after that?
THROAT: Well, sort of. This was Yale, after all, and some of the lads were pretty clever and very well organized. Eventually it took on more structure.
REFLEX: Yeah, the arrival of the hookers really changed the Society. The whole "panty panache" was gone, and the guys needed a focus.
They toyed around with world domination for about a week, but I guess that reputation stuck in the minds of the general public. But really it was a quick phase.
SPITTLE: What replaced it?
REFLEX: Copyright law.
SPITTLE: Yikes!
THROAT: Yeah, the Yalies were smart. World domination sounded so melodramatic, so James Bond. But they had the ambition for it, so they figured out an easier way to accomplish much of the same thing without all the work. Hubert Humphrey had a lot to do with that.
SPITTLE: Does the Society have anything to do with the music industry's lawsuits against internet file sharers?
REFLEX: Of course! Duh! I mean, who else would do anything so obviously craven?
SPITTLE: Tell me about Bush's experiences in those days. What kind of Bonesman was he?
THROAT: Well, not a very good one. He only got into the Society because of his connections.
SPITTLE: Ahh, his father...
THROAT: No, he knew a guy who had the keys to the back door of the beer distributor down town. He was so obnoxious that even his father's connections couldn't land him in Yale. It all came to down to access to booze.
REFLEX: He got very powerful very fast, though.
SPITTLE: How so?
REFLEX: Well, as you know, Bonesman are forced to admit their most personal, humiliating sexual experiences to their fellows. That information is used by the other Bonesmen to keep that guy in line, even into late adulthood.
THROAT: Yeah, the problem was, Dubya was so obnoxious, so ill-mannered, and had such poor hygiene that he didn't have any sexual exploits to admit to. That made him the most powerful Bonesman ever.
REFLEX: Who would've thought being an ugly, stupid ass that no girl would go near would work for a guy?!
SPITTLE: What about Kerry?
THROAT: Kerry was never much liked. He was always a bit pompous, a bit off-putting.
REFLEX: Good panty man, though.
THROAT: Yeah, he managed to revive the panty raids. At least for a few years.
REFLEX: Great panty man.
THROAT: But the problem with Kerry is that you never knew where he stood.
SPITTLE: Ahh, you mean his reputation as a man whose principles are derived from political convenience went as far back as Yale?
THROAT: No, I mean literally. You never knew where he stood. He wouldn't follow directions.
We'd be having a ritual, some kind of group masturbation or something, and the leader would say, "Kerry, stand over here," and he'd be off in some other direction. It's really annoying when you've got a group of thirty naked kids with boners trying to get organized and you've got this one guy who can't take direction.
REFLEX: I don't think Ol' Willy ever forgave Kerry for that one time!
THROAT: (Laughs.) No, I don't either! Talk about your "close encounter!"
SPITTLE: But, tell me, do you think that their association with the Bonesmen in any way helps their ability to rule the free world? Or does it hurt it?
THROAT: I'd say it helps.
REFLEX: Oh, sure.
SPITTLE: Why so?
THROAT: The Society prepares you for a world of sick, perverted, devious behaviors motivated by lust, greed and avarice.
REFLEX: Right, but since a lot of guys don't make it into the NFL, it makes for great Washington training, too, which isn't a bad consolation prize.
SPITTLE: Are their any current Bonesmen that we should be watching out for?
THROAT: Dave Polotska, Bonesman '99. Great speaker, impeccable grades, and because he was in a car accident that left him a eunuch, completely impervious to the control of other Bonesmen. A real independent force.
REFLEX: I'd put my money on Foxworth Tannhauser, Bonesman '02. Kid's got a lot of heart, and his family's connected not only with Ahmed Chalabi and Harmid Karzai, but also John Major and even the Montoya Colombian drug family.
To top it off, he's focusing his post-grad work in intellectual property law, and he's been romantically linked to Nicky Hilton. This kid's got it going on.
SPITTLE: No women?
THROAT: ...you're kidding, right?
REFLEX: Jeesh, talk about your stupid questions, Mark.
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