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The Sandbox
Humor Column by Alexander Pierre Luboknovich
Iraq: A Water Comedian's Solution
Born in 1957 in Byelorussia, Alexander Pierre Luboknovich, a Soviet in exile, is a political commentator, water comedian, diplomatic impersonator, and importer of international wives.
He is currently at work on a book of essays entitled "Power to the Peephole: Lewd Propositions for a New Sexual Revolution" and is an associate fellow at the Ruzzzivixxxxxxen Importing Co., Brighton Beach, NY. He is one of the leading practitioners of the high Russian art of "water comedy" and a regular humorist for LiberalOasis.
Now, let's look back to the point of this whole thing from Day 1. If the point was to unappoint our appointed dictator and appoint a new one, well, we're not quite there yet!
If the point was to point out lapses by our intelligence agencies and expose how inefficient they are, then we have succeeded!
If the point was to ask Dennis Kucinich what a vegan Passover Seder consists of...oh wait, sorry, that's from another column.
Look, who cares what the point was. At this point it probably wasn't worth it. It makes no sense to point fingers. I mean, look at what happened in Fallujah!
There's no point in going on with a war after something like that happens. How can we expect to negotiate with a population who "just don't get it."
If you missed it, I am referring to U.S. Army spokesperson Brigadier General fellow Mark Kimmitt's insight that "Fallujah remains one of those cities in Iraq that just don't get it."
In less reported comments, he continued:
"They don't understand it. They need to get with the program. Do the locomotion. They need to start playing by the rules. They need to apologize to us and we'll give Îem a pat on the back.
"They need to consider the consequences of their actions, lest people get the idea that Fallujah isn't really a safe place to hang out anymore. The Fallujahns are not really cooperating very well, and cooperation's what it's all about.
"It's mildly depressing, in a way. We were supposed to give them an advanced screening of "Jersey Girl" and, well, even if they get a screening at this point it won't be before everyone else. There won't be anything Îadvance' about it.
"And how do they expect the production crew for "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" to get anywhere near their city, much less infiltrate the place.
"Ty Pennington is considering asking for a day off that week, after he saw what the Fallujahns did to those unfortunate contractors. We can't have this! We can't have the show without Ty!
"In a few months the world's gonna forget about those contractors. But the Fallujahns will never forgive themselves for jeopardizing their chances at a ÎMakeover.'
"And I say Îjeopardizing' because there's still a small chance that if they can right the ship in the next couple of weeks, Ty and the rest of the ÎMakeover' crew will still make the trip over.
"It just leaves a bad flavor in your mouth when you see something like that. It makes you feel uncomfortable. That's not what this war is all about."
Why can't we just say "nevermind" about the whole thing. It's, frankly, too scary to continue.
I mean, Luboknovich was never one to admire Ukrainians, but the tone that their army sent by their recent desertion is actually kind of honorable and admirable (never thought I'd say that a Ukrainian is honorable!).
So that's why I say, the situation in Iraq has gotten so dire, so dicey, so desperate, so chancy, so dubious, so inclement, so unpalatable, so incommodious, so un-enjoyable, so pong, so execrable, so diuretic, so diarrhetic...that it seems like we have only one option left!
That is, to return Saddam Hussein to power!
The advantages, as I see it, are manifold!
Reason 1: Preservation and Preserves
First off, we could preserve our military resources. Sure, preservation is a really liberal idea, I know, but if we saved our weapons of mass destruction and our helicopters instead of using them, we could eventually make strawberry jam.
Secondly, we could take the Presidential campaign focus off of this horrible war, and focus on the real issues...like all of the people heading to D.C. later this month determined to castrate Bush.
It's astounding that us liberals look right through the feminists, embrace them as partners, and buy their hair care products. Sure, social equality and abortion rights are nice things, but these are obvious fronts for the feminists' real primary goal: to neuter junior!
And if Luboknovich is to march along with the feminists later this month, it will be for that goal and that goal alone.
Yes, a castrated Prez would be hilarious, and it would also void the Levitra endorsement deal Dear Leader had locked up for 2005.
Reason 2: Freedom and Freon
Every day it becomes more and more obvious that Hussein was a better leader than Bush. Although that is like saying that Mussolini made a better calzone than Papa John!
Look, I know that re-installing Hussein isn't what Bush had in mind one-year into this whole thing. And of course, I know that the failure of our operation in Iraq can mostly be attributed to bad luck and some unexpected weather.
But we need to reflect deeply, fellow Americans, feel inside of ourselves and make contact with our organs.
Only then can we acknowledge that putting Saddam back in the womb is the best solution we've got. And at the very least there is precedent!
Every summer Americans take their air conditioners up from the basement and reinstall them. Now, I'm not saying that Hussein is like an air conditioner, but let me tell you, he is in a basement somewhere probably, and when we reinstall the air conditioners in the Luboknovich house it always works flawlessly.
Reason 3: Momentum and Mentos
Look, Hussein is probably really mad right now that we shaved off his beard. It had to have taken him months to grow that thing.
The key for us is to tap into that anger. To use his fury for good and for peace!
We need to use his momentum. Clean him up some. Fatten him up again, and give him some mints.
Throw him a few billion to put an army together to defend one of his palaces and tell him "What the hey? You can handle it, big guy!" Then we get the hell out of there!
What is better? Democracy? Haha! Like elderly liberals, Iraqis simply lack the computer skills to work an electronic ballot.
Instead, we need to teach the Iraqis that even America makes mistakes. And if they agree to embrace us, by God, at their own will, then we will give them as much Levitra as they need and as many Mentos they need to operate a stabile government.
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