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The Sandbox
Guest Humor Column by Alexander Pierre Luboknovich
The President Celebrates Columbus Day
Every year around Columbus Day, the President takes a few minutes out of his busy schedule to talk about the dayâs significance. On October 9, President Bush continued the tradition.
ãOn Columbus Day, you know what I do?,ä the President said, ãI [think] about all the great Americans. We have a great [responsibility] ... to [think] of [them]. Great Americans ... like the Crocodile Hunter.ä
President Bush continued: ãIn the old days our four fathers [sic] had what they call a one track mind... Figure out what the word Îsovereignâ means, find out what a sovereign nation is, then figure out how to get there.ä
Later, the President seemed overcome with Italian-American pride when he said, ãYou know, the guidos have done a lot. We had one of them as the manager of our team in Arlington. Not Virginia... Arlington Texas,ä before a few members of media chuckled nervously.
ãBut seriously, Columbus Day is a serious holiday because it gives us a chance to celebrate the contributions of Italian-Americans. Like Rizzo, Gloria Estefan, and Hector Boyardee,ä the President said to thundering applause.
ãAnd it allows us to recognize a man whose contributions to society are unmeasurable [sic]. Whether Mr. Falk was playing that jovial, wry, comedian, or whether he was simply being himself in the privacy of his own bathroom, Lieutenant Columbo will always be in our hearts on this day.ä
Luboknovichâs take: You know, I wish we had a day like Columbus Day back in Byelorussia.
But I am glad Columbus discovered America instead of Russia. If it werenât for Columbus weâd all still be in Petersburg drinking Borscht out of a Downey jug. And no one would have heard of some kid named Mac Culkin, star of the 1990 smash hit ãHome Alone,ä directed by Chris Columbus.
I Dated Valerie Plame!
And I have a video to prove it!
Even more shocking is that the video is of Luboknovich and Plame -- who used her married name Valerie E. Wilson -- watching the Pam Anderson-Tommy Lee sex video.
I drank a vodka straight and she drank a White Russian. Then, later, she drank a white Russian. Get it?!
In all seriousness, I was a partner with Plame at Brewster-Jennings & Associates (who do you think the ãassociatesä were?).
Now, not to put the blame on Plame, but even while at Brewster-Jennings she was not very careful about concealing her identity as a CIA operative.
One time, at a bar in Atlanta, she literally begged me to come back to her hotel room for a nightcap.
After refusing several times -- she was obviously sober and I only sleep with drunk women -- she pulled the old, ãAlexander, Iâm a CIA operative... youâll do as I say,ä out of her verbal pocket.
Now, fine, she wanted to seduce me, fine. But she said it so loudly! Many people around us definitely heard.
Interestingly enough, Bobby Cox and Leo Mazzone were two of them.
Ahhhh, those were the days. Me and Val on the road. We always had a lot in common.
I was once an undercover KGB operative posing as a traditional folk water comedian. When my name was leaked I was forced to gulag in Alaska_ not Siberia... the government in those days refused to recognize Alaskaâs sale to America.
Of course, there are no gulags in Alaska, so I got off scot-free. I could have just gotten on a plane straight for NYC, but I decided to wander around a few months looking for the set of ãNorthern Exposure.ä Didnât find it.
Plame always said, ãIf my name ever gets out there, lord help me, Iâm gonna have to move to Staten Island.ä Because Staten Island, according to Plame, was the only place where she would be accepted.
I have no idea why she determined this.
Luboknovich Does Not Mind Lubbock
I was recently asked, ãdoes Luboknovich mind being called Lubbock?ä
Luboknovich does not mind Lubbock. There are several wonderful bistros there, and when I visited as a child, I even got to ride a ãrocking horsyä in a dive bar.
I didnât mind getting burned by cigarette butts or getting Coors spilled on me (intentionally).
You might think thereâs nothing worse than getting burned with something called a ãbutt,ä but Luboknovich doesnât see it that way.
Born in 1957 in Byelorussia, Alexander Pierre Luboknovich, a Soviet in exile, is a political commentator, water comedian, diplomatic impersonator, and importer of international wives.
He is currently at work on a book of essays entitled ãPower to the Peephole: Lewd Propositions for a New Sexual Revolutionä and is an associate fellow at the Ruzzzivixxxxxxen Importing Co., Brighton Beach, NY. He is one of leading practitioners of the high Russian art of ãwater comedy.ä
For more Luboknovich, check out his blog.
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