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The Sandbox
Guest Humor Column by Mark Spittle
The Bush-Dean Debate We'll Never See
JIM LEHRER: Thank you for joining us for the first Presidential debate between George W. Bush and Howard Dean.
The format tonight is a question to one candidate, followed by a comment from his opponent, and so on. Gentlemen, thank you for coming.
HOWARD DEAN: Thank you, Jim.
GEORGE W. BUSH: Thanks.
LEHRER: Mr. Bush, you won the coin toss for the first question.
Some of your critics have charged you with lying to the American people about the immediacy of the threat posed by Saddam Hussein in order to wage a war against Iraq that you had intended regardless.
Can you comment?
BUSH: Thatâs not true, and good Americans know it. It is true that our intelligence was faulty, but in the end the Iraqi people are free.
LEHRER: Dr. Dean, care to respond?
DEAN: I sure do. In 2001 Colin Powell gave a press conference in Cairo and said, I quote now:
ãSaddam has not developed any significant capability with respect to weapons of mass destruction.
ãHe is unable to project conventional power against his neighbors.ä
A year later, the administration reversed its view without any explanation.
BUSH: Thatâs not true. Not true at all.
DEAN: Iâm sorry, Mr. President, but it is true, and it means you are a lying sack of shit.
LEHRER: Well, Dr. Dean, the next question goes to you.
Your opponent, President Bush, has said that you are a radical liberal who intends on growing government on the backs of business. What is your response?
DEAN: With all due respect, my opponent has all the intelligence of a dead dogâs dick, and twice the stink.
Iâve made it quite clear that my positions are my own, and not the result of any ideological leanings.
LEHRER: Mr. Bush?
BUSH: What did he just say? About a dog?
I...the manâs a liberal, Jim. I mean, heâs just... a liberal... thatâs all.
LEHRER: Well, letâs keep moving on then. Mr. Bush, your question. If re-elected, what would you do to repair the deficit?
BUSH: Well, Jim, I .. um... sorry, still canât figure out what he said there before.
Anyway, I have a different view about the deficit.
I think deficits have been misrepresented. Deficits are known to stimulate economies in some cases, and I think we are seeing that right now.
The stimulus packages I put into place during my first term will be directly responsible for both short-term and long-term economic growth.
LEHRER: Dr. Dean?
DEAN: My opponent is a fuckbrained moron who went AWOL in the military, snorted coke, drove drunk, and almost ruined the Texas Rangers.
To expect him to understand the delicacies of economics is like asking a mule to conduct an orchestra, except the mule has a better chance of coming up with Mahler than Bush has of creating any economic growth.
His policies are designed to benefit the rich, shift the tax burden onto the poor, and permanently bankrupt social programs that have benefited millions of poor and middle class Americans.
LEHRER: Well, I ...
DEAN: ... Hold on, Iâm not done.
LEHRER: Go ahead, sir.
DEAN: He is also an incompetent jackass, a repugnant blowhard, a flatulent bag of pus, and an insult to every pissfaced, dildoheaded bunghole on the planet.
LEHRER: Mr. Bush, would you care to rebut?
BUSH: ... I ... I canât feel my legs ....
LEHRER: Next question, then. This one is for Dr. Dean.
How do you feel your experience as governor of a small state like Vermont helped prepare you for the role of leader of the free world?
DEAN: Better than being the governor of Texas helped that pork-assed pile of dung standing over there.
His only qualifications to become President were his daddyâs name and a photo he had of Antonin Scalia screwing some court clerk.
If my opponent were a block of cheese, heâd be smarter than he is now.
The only thing keeping him standing is his center of gravity, and the fact that his legs are too stupid to know how to fold over.
LEHRER: Okay, final question goes to Mr. Bush.
Mr. President, if re-elected, would you seek to permanently defeat Roe v. Wade through Supreme Court appointments?
BUSH: ... so dizzy... canât.... canât feel my tongue....
LEHRER: Dr. Dean, final reply.
DEAN: I want to say to the American people that if you elect me President, I promise to put the entire Bush family on a raft with no food or water, and set them adrift in the Pacific next to a school of ravenous sharks.
And Iâll balance the budget, too. Thank you.
LEHRER: Thank you, Dr. Dean. Good night.
BUSH: ... gurgle....
Mark Spittle is one half of the political satire duo Spittle & Ink. He is a former Washington lobbyist and congressional assistant.
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