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The Sandbox
Humor Column by John Cougarstein
NEWS OF THE FUTURE
Massachusetts Couples Divorce In Droves
May 28, 2004 (BOSTON) ö After the highest court in Massachusetts formally decreed in a follow-up ruling that the state must immediately grant marriage licenses to homosexuals, heterosexual spouses wasted no time dissolving their own marriages in record numbers.
Bill Bennett, Americaâs beloved paragon of virtue, recently instructed that marriage by gays ãhurtsä heterosexuals because ãit devalues the currencyä of marriage.
Massachusetts heterosexuals apparently agree in spades. Huge lines formed outside Family Court offices across the state, as couples sought to file for divorce.
In interviews with these couples, there was widespread agreement that since an estimated 2% of all marriages would be between gays, the formerly sacred institution of marriage was incontrovertibly corrupted.
ãNow that just any two people can get married, whatâs the point?ä shrugged Shannon OâMalley, 45 of Beverly. ãItâs really lost its cache.ä
Dorchesterâs Mary Williams, 52, echoed the sentiment.
ãYou think Iâve stayed married all this time,ä said Williams, ãbecause of the belabored small talk over leftovers, and the thrill of scheduling time to watch that lame Jim Belushi show together?ä
ãYâknow when youâre in high school,ä said 31-year-old Patrick Meany of Worcester, ãand youâre at a party, and that loser kid Josh shows up, and all of a sudden youâre like, ÎMan, this party sucks,âä
ãThatâs what this is like,ä Meany concluded. ãMarriage now sucks. The gays killed the party. In fact, I think that Josh guy was gay.ä
Sam Needleman, 53 of Ipswich, also had an epiphany after the ruling, but of a different sort.
ãI was having typically lifeless, mechanical sex with my wife and I realized, I can totally do this with a guy now, and it will still be a marriage. I pulled right out and said, ÎYou can keep the house and the dog!âä
Victory in hand, Human Rights Campaign Executive Director Elizabeth Birch was unrestrained in analyzing the ramifications of the state court ruling.
ãMarriage is ours! All ours!ä said Birch. ãYou breeders will never have stable families, and gays will rule PTA meetings and school boards across the land! Ha ha ha ha ha!ä
Download Cougarstein song parodies at Iuma.com
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